Blatherings

• My childhood friend and the best athlete on our block, Jim Short, barely survived a heart attack just before Christmas. Lately, mortality keeps tapping me on the shoulder.
• It's official. My hockey resurrection has come to an end. Tonight I turned quickly (?) from skating forward to backward and broke my ass. A half hour later, and with the help of one of the kids, I got my skates off, my boots on and dragged my broken ass home. Pathetic.
• Have you ever encountered a life altering issue over which you've no control and can't avoid, but somehow, you've managed to live with it? Then, just for a moment, the issue wins and for that nano-second, you're utterly defeated, ground into the dirt. The good news; when that control returns, and it does eventually, you're often stronger for the experience.
• I've noticed lately, a lot of people I know, and some I care for deeply, are into agnosticism. For reasons I don't really fathom, this saddens me. 
• Today I was approached by 2 young Mormon men while walking Dave the dog. One asked if he could tell me about my eternity. I replied, "Certainly, then I'll tell you what the gays have done to the soil", and they walked away! Go figure.
• Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day I'm losing my wife to a beast called leukodystrophy. I've never felt so helpless or alone. Rather than just watch it happen, I find myself wanting to die with her; an incredible internal cowardice I never knew I possessed.  
• The true measure of a genuine fool is often easy to define because they do it for you; willingly, readily and often. Case in point: PGA Caddy Steve Williams.
• Watching way too much TV again: My latest gripe - this kid says his Coca Cola delivery man Daddy delivers "happiness" and a "safer environment". I'm thinking more like "obesity", "empty calories" and "tooth decay". 
• Wakeup call to self: Stop seeking sympathy from others and grow a pair. Life's dealt you a difficult hand or two lately. So what?. Bitching irritates people. Fix it. Over and out.
• Another "getting older/a-ha moment": I caught myself on the biffy, chuckling aloud at "Pickles" in the Journal comics.
• Have you ever been physically surrounded by people, yet felt all alone? It's not always a bad happenstance, just an odd one.
• When you ask people for help, you're actually presenting them with a gift. 
• How on earth does my wife expect me to go through our multitude of toiletries and locate something called "vanishing cream"?
• They've been gone for years and I think of them often. Today however, I really miss my Mom and Dad.
• What is with we Canadians? Usually shy and reserved in public, we fall over ourselves and stop whatever we're doing to help a total stranger push their car out of the snow!
• Isn't it just a little bit amazing when the words or writings of a complete stranger can touch you to your very core?
• I am terrified. My Sue's condition is degenerating daily and I'm struck dumb by my inability to do anything. I simply can't believe how fast it's progressing.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• Over the past year we've celebrated, loved and mourned. We've been staggered, stricken, lifted and enlightened by the sheer joy and heart wrenching dread of it all. Really, life's a trip.
• I believe Facebook has the potential to be among our most powerful tools in the promotion of global goodwill and...wait a second. Some SOB just "UNFRIENDED" me?!?! Why, I'll KILL that mother effing...
• We recently lost a close friend suddenly, incredibly, to an embolism. God called Dave Taylor home 13 months after marrying the love of his life. I thought writing this down would make it real. It doesn't.
• Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• For the first time, perhaps ever, I cannot look at my future with a sense of joy. It's not a horrific sensation. On the contrary, it's helping me center on what needs to be done. 
• Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many available, why not try a different one each day?
• My most fervent wish for this ongoing undertaking is to ensure it never resembles a list of fortune cookie quotations.
• I have no misgivings about adoring Dave, our dog. His ability to adore us knows no boundaries.
• The Oilers, the Eskimos and the Chicago Cubs are not, and will never be, a waste of my time.
• There is no explaining why we make the choices we do until after we've made them, and then there's usually no point.
• If something I've said or written can be taken two ways and you find one of them offensive, that's likely the one I meant.
• A prime example of life kicking you in the seeds; my beloved Sue has been diagnosed with something called leukodystrphy, a skewed cousin of MS. I rarely question God's plan but Sue? Now? Really?!
• Like me, when your elders said "what goes around comes around", did you find it funny? Now you've witnessed life a bit more, like me, do you marvel at how funny it isn't?
• Golf is God's way of keeping me humble while ensuring I never take myself too seriously. He's very efficient at that sort of thing.
• Facebook is a wonderful social networking tool, no question. Still, at times I wish it would automatically edit me for "stupid". 
• A young woman recently thanked me as I held a door open for her. Seconds later, she snarled an obscenity at her husband/boyfriend. Question: Why are we nicer to strangers than people we care about?
• As I've gotten older, I've found reconnecting with old friends can be a crapshoot. Lesson learned? Go for it. It may not work but there's a reason you were friends in the first place.
• Feeling lousy about your life? Watch any episode of "Maury". You'll feel better, guaranteed.
• You know the years are sliding by when you have to "rest up" before going out to dinner!
• I'm always more puzzled than hurt when I find someone's lied to me.
• When did being a "worry wart" become an "anxiety disorder"? 
• Another friends parent passed today. Having already lost mine and my in-laws too, I keep hoping the news gets easier to bear. It doesn't.
• It's minus 42. My cars been plugged in all night and it still won't start. We live here why again?
• I think we should change the name from "Christmas Day" to "PRESENTS DAY - FINALLY". Just a thought..
• The best thing about Christmas is EVERYTHING.
• The best thing about Boxing Day isn't much. Leftovers maybe?
• I've noticed something about my youthful athletic accomplishments, particularly in their retelling. The older I get, the better I was.
• I hate "de-Christmasing" our house. It's the only time of year the place looks seriously drab to me, even just for a day or two.
• It's tough being an Oiler fan this year. Our season started slow and has kind of tapered off... (sigh). Oh well, the Cubs start spring training soon!
• With our basement in complete disarray for the last 4 months, I've apparently determined this is the time to redefine "procrastination". 
• Is there a chance some of these kids so quickly diagnosed with "attention deficit disorder" are what we used to call "brats"? 
• Is there a chance some of these kids so quickly diagnosed with "Tauret's" are what we used to call "effing rude"? 
• Are there any behaviours left that DON'T have an associated "diagnostic title"?
• I happened across a former co-worker/friend's obituary this morning. I grieve for his friends and family but selfishly, I grieve for our diminishing mortality as well.
• Married over 40 years and my wife still cracks me up, pretty much at will. Lucky, lucky man...
• I've a friend who still uses his fingers as parentheses when making a point. I love the guy but please God, make him stop.
• Don't you hate it when certain behaviours on A and E's "Intervention" or "Hoarders" remind you of someone you know or worse yet, yourself?
• Wow. Writer's block really DOES exist! Who knew?
• The word "proud" is inadequate and pedestrian when applied to my admiration for my son, James. Personal excellence is an everyday thing for him.
• I've a friend whose opinion on a "hot box" subject is the polar opposite of mine. She's passionate, intellegent and I respect her position. She cannot or will not reciprocate and now our friendship has ended. How very stupid.
• It's nice the Canadian Government is matching my contribution to Haitian relief. But isn't that MY money too?
• This morning I took steak out for dinner. Sue said she wanted sweet potato fries. I said "Okay" and when I served the fries, the first thing she said was, "What happened to the steak?" We men are so literal.
• Tested the strength of your relationship lately? Buy $2K worth of IKEA stuff and renovate a room together. That'll do it.
• The 2010 Olympics were terrific beyond my wildest expectations but if I hear that insipid "I Believe" theme music even one more time, a total mental disconnect cannot be ruled out.
• Whichever merchandiser originated "restocking fees" had no concept of customer service.
• Sue and I have seen more 2009 Oscar nominated movies than any year either of us can recall; TWO! Of course it doesn't hurt there's ten listed this year instead of the usual five...
• It may be me and my "advancing years" but it seems IKEA instruction sheets are not as clear as they once were. All pictures, no words.
• We're driving over 200 KMs next Sunday to have lunch with a dear couple we've not seen in over 30 years! How cool is that?!?
• Today a laid off employee entered his former workplace, killed one man, gravely wounded another then killed himself. Naively, I'm still astonished when horror manifests itself as reality. 
• Not to gloat but unlike pre-retirement, "springing ahead" into Daylight Savings Time no longer has much of an impact on my life or daily activities. 
• I recently slipped on an icy walk and took a genuine prat fall. I wasn't hurt but I can't believe how much it frightened me. Where has my bullet proofing gone?
• Generally, funerals suck. Ones including a lone piper are worse. If there's anyone out there with influence concerning my final arrangements, I beg you, no bagpipes.
• Reality check: Today a neighbor referred to me as "that nice old guy from down the block" when he thought I was out of earshot. "Nice" is a positive thing, I suppose.
• My new "happy-happy-joy-joy" retirement job involves stocking shelves at a book store weekdays from 5 a.m. to 9 a.m. I've always been a relatively early riser and I love this gig, but the sound of an alarm clock at 4:00 a.m. is just wrong. 
• Since his recent public fall from grace, Tiger Woods fell from American Dream status to creepy in a nano-second, all thanks to the wonders of the modern media machine. 
• I vividly recall a similar reaction to the O.J. Simpson scenario. The crime totally contradicted his percieved personna and it appeared to evolve through a guaze of make believe.  
• To me, the best thing about Facebook happened today. I had a phone conversation with a high school friend I've not heard from in 40+ years and the time melted away like ice cream on hot pavement. Fantastic.
• My golf clubs are in the front hall, staring out the window, dreaming of novel ways to punish me in the morning.
• Note to self: When you realize you sincerely detest specific actors in specific commercials, you're watching way too much TV.
• I golfed with my pal Bryan today and he fired an 85; a terrific result. While I didn't score nearly as well, I feel as good as if I'd done it! Golf's a funny game that way. 
• My sadness at observing Sue's growing inability to look after her beloved flower garden is surpassed only by my frustration with my fumbling attempts to help her. 
• It's odd how the passing of time can be as rewarding as it is cruel. It's a balance thing I suppose.
• I just realized there's no expiration date on worrying about one's child.
• Tonight Sue and I dined with a childhood friend of mine and his lovely wife. It had been 30 plus years since we'd seen each other but, magically, no time had elapsed.
• (to be continued, like it or not, at the top of the list!)

Dumbest Mistake Ever

Back in the mid 70s my wife Sue and I were in a piano bar in Honolulu, and for no reason other than that's what I was into back then, I got absolutely blitzed. 

Quite conicidentally, the mens room door happened to be held open by several stacked boxes, which turned out be cases of liquor. As I left the facilities, I reached 2 feet over my head into the top case and extracted a bottle of Chivas, my all-time favorite Scotch to this day! 

I was in a tank top and shorts but somehow managed to exit the bar without anyone, including Sue and the couple we were with, noticing what I'd done! 

The next day my consciense and the hangover meant forJudas gnawed at me endlessly. Eventually, I could no longer stand it. I returned to the scene of my crime, the piano bar. 


Having already cracked the bottle, I couldn't return it but I asked for the manager, told him what I'd done and praying he wouldn't kill me, handed him a $50 bill. The guy was a giant Samoan and I was sweating bullets as he came around the counter. 


I really thought I was about to die but he gave me a huge hug, thanked me for my honesty  and said, "That's great brah, but you grabbed a 12 year old bottle of Chivas, You owe me another eight bucks!" 


Sue gave me a twenty, I gave it to the bar manager and we were gone. As we litertally ran out the door, we could hear everyone behind us roaring with laughter!


10 years later, we had an overnight layover in Honolulu on our way to Maui. Upon our arrival, Sue was tired so she took an early evening nap and I went for a walk. Imagine my surprise to find that same little piano bar, right where we'd left it! I decided to check the place out.


The moment I entered I was stunned to find nothing had changed. The bar, the staff and most of the patrons appeared to be identical. The Samoan manager recognized me immediatey and roared,"Hey, you hockey playin' SOB, how's things up in Canada? Here, have a drink on the house but stay the hell outta the bathroom!" 

Confrontation, 2011 Style

Today I made my usual mid-week grocery run to Super Store. I pulled into a snug parking spot and realized I was too close to the car beside me. As I started backing up, I noticed a young couple walking behind me and stopped immediately. The man thumped the back of my car with his fist.


I was a little surprised to see him standing there as I exited my vehicle. Around 5'10" and 140 pounds, he had his wife and 2 small children with him. His little hands were clenched into little fists and the first words out of his mouth were, "Watch where yer goin', asshole!" 


I responded, "I was watching. That's how you didn't get hit by my car. Why are you still here? What do you expect to happen?"


The kid's face was beet red as he snarled, "I should kick your ass! That's what should happen!" He wrenched free of his wife as she tried to pull him away. "C'mon Ed, can we just go?" she pleaded. One of his children began to cry. "Shaddup!" roared Ed.


It was starting to look like this could escalate and 25 or 30 years ago, it may have. But that was then and this was now. I decided to be honest.  


"I feel bad for you, I really do. Either way this goes, you lose. Beat up an old guy who then calls the cops, you lose. Get beat up by an old guy in front of your family, you lose."


Ed began to advance, his angry little fists raised. "Let's do this", he growled. 


"Ed, that's just stupid. You've been watching too much TV. Nothing's going to happen. Go home. Get some help." 


With that, I turned and walked towards the store. I could hear Ed huffing and fuming but just as I thought he would, he'd started herding his family toward their vehicle.


I feel truly sorry for this young man. I keep imagining how badly his life will play out, particularly with the innate anger he carries. Maybe he was just having a bad day and I was the excuse he needed to lash out. I hope that was the case but sadly, I doubt it.

"Shoosh"?!?

I thought I'd I found the perfect post-retirement, part-time job; stocking shelves in a bookstore. I worked Monday through Friday, from 5 a.m. to 9 a.m. This allowed me ample time to make a few bucks while maintaining a fullfilling home life. The job was a little more complex than I'd have thought; oddly challenging but fun. My co-workers were all very nice and for the most part, I fit right in. I had extremely positive responses to my work ethic and while my learning curve didn't feel as sharp as I'd have liked, things were progressing well. 

After a year, I encountered a new supervisor who, for whatever reason, didn't like me. Not to sound arrogant but I've never done very well with people who dislike me, though I usually find a way to work with them. This time however, supervisor Linda was on me about everything I did, day after day. Within a few weeks, I began to dread coming to work. I knew instinctively Linda was trying to make me quit and at $10 per hour, my patience was running thin. It dawned on me I wasn't there because I still enjoyed my job. I was there because I couldn't stomach the thought of her "winning"; not a good reason to keep getting out of bed at 4:00 a.m.

One morning Linda asked me why I was doing something a certain way. Midway through my explanation she shoved a little sausage-finger in my face and "shooshed" me! I lost it. Keep in mind, I'd never before had a derogatory word for Linda. That said, I think my little rant went something like this. 

"Are you insane? I'm a 62 year old man and you just SHOOSHED me. I should bite your finger off and spit it at you. What're you, 50 something (she's 44)?  You've been here, what, 20 years (more like 9)? You've advanced as far as you ever will and trust me, that is pitiful. Do you realize the income tax taken off my pension check is more money than you'll ever see in a month? Why would I give a tinker's damn what you think or how you feel a task should be done? Seriously, get bent." 


Flustered and beet red, she mumbled something about my not being allowed to speak to her that way and then, for the first time ever, I quit a job on the spot. It was glorious. 


In the end I probably made Linda a very happy little supervisor but I honestly did not care. 40 years of pent up workplace frustrations evaporated in a nano-second. I've never been so happy with a snap decision in my life and given the circumstances, I wouldn't change a thing, even if I could.

The Origin of the Hamilton Family Motto

In Scotland of the early 1300's, the three Hamilton clans joined Robert the Bruce in the revolt against King Edward the 1st, also known as "Longshanks". They were basically thieves and thugs, yet this revolt all but legitimized their activities.


On one ocassion they were pursued and eventually cornered in a forest by a contingent of Longshanks' forces. Thinking on their feet, they immediately "borrowed" axes and appropriate garb from the locals and posing as what we refer to as lumberjacks, began frantically chopping down trees. 


Back then workers hollered "Through!" instead of "Timber!" when felling a tree and the Hamiltons followed suit. 


Thinking these fellows were legitimate, the soldiers blew right by them and the Hamilton Family Motto "Through!" was born. 

Jack Semple

Canadian guitarist/singer Jack Semple recently played a charity to rebuild the roof of the ancient United Church in dowtown Edmonton. My brother Bruce volunteered he and I to work the door. 


Semple was brilliant; very skilled, versatile, funny - the whole package. After his first startlingly intricate number he took the mike, thanked everyone and asked, "Just curious. How many of you play guitar?" 


There were over 500 people there and not a hand went up. Bruce whispered, "Raise your hand!" and I just glared at him. 


Semple came back with, "Let me put this another way. How many of you OWN guitars?" 


Amid a roar of laughter more than half the people there, including me, raised their hands! It's likely an old bit but I'd never heard it before and I thought it was hilarious!

The Blogs Purpose (pssst - it's in the title!)

In my 60 plus years on this mortal coil, I've had a generally non-remarkable yet totally fulfilled life to date. I was an average kid in physical stature and mental ability. I worked as hard as required to avoid pissing too many people off. A degree of anonymity was a personal goal. The odd time I coveted the spotlight, I wanted it on my terms.

Then to my great surprise, I discovered a gift for observation. Things or events would occur and for the most part, go unnoticed. But, at times I'd spot something different, desperate, despicable, inane or humane behind some seemingly ordinary event or person.

Most times the memory would be fleeting. The occasions when something struck and I'd opt to verbally share it with family or friends, my efforts were often met with confusing results. I'd get everything from, "Wow!" to "Aw, bullshit!" to "That's not what he/she meant!" to "Haven't you got anything more important to think about?". Every so often the "Bullshit!" response came from my Mom. Clarity was a gift of hers.

Eventually I began capturing what I considered the most significant of these events/feelings/bullshit in print. I'd share them with people via essays, editorial letters, eulogies and correspondence. For years certain well-meaning friends have suggested I somehow record these "semi stream of consciousness" meanderings and frankly, this blogging trend removed my last excuse not to do so.

So hang in there dear readers and buckle up for a journey rife with mediocrity, but laced with just enough wonder and naivete to make it interesting. Above all, please understand. I'm not looking to enrich, merely entertain, so enjoy!