A Blog? Why?

In my 70 years on this mortal coil, I've enjoyed an unremarkable yet fulfilled life, thus far anyway. 

I was an average kid in physical stature and mental ability. I worked as hard as required to avoid pissing too many people off. A degree of anonymity was a personal goal. To my surprise, I found I had a gift for observation. Things or events would occur and, for the most part, go unnoticed by most people. Still, there were times when I'd spot something desperate, despicable, inane or humane behind some seemingly ordinary event or person. Most times the impact would be fleeting, but on occasion, certain things would stick. 

Eventually I began capturing what I considered the most significant of these thoughts and ideas in print. I'd share them with people via essays, editorial submissions, eulogies and correspondence. For years certain well-meaning friends have suggested I somehow record these "mini streams of consciousness" and frankly, this blogging trend removed my last excuse not to do so.

So hang in there dear readers and buckle up for a journey rife with mediocrity, but laced with just enough wonder and naivete to make it interesting. Above all please understand. I'm not looking to educate or enrich, merely entertain. Enjoy!

My "Military Career"

I began my military career at the age of 10 when my Mom signed me up for Cub Scouts. I wasn't crazy about the beanie style cap, but the green sweater with the Canada Cub Scouts logo was pretty cool and the scarf with the little leather holder thingy was awesome.

My first official meeting provided a glimpse of how my future would roll out, militarily speaking of course. 

Our initial order was to memorize was "the code":

I promise to do my best,

To love and serve God, to do my duty to the Queen;

To keep the law of the Wolf Cub pack,

And to do a good turn for somebody every day. 

Dib dib, dub dub , Akeila we will do our best.

Being something of an idiot, that last line cracked me up and I didn't exactly snicker. I busted out laughing and after a second or two, my fellow neophytes followed suit. This was met with sneers of disdain from the "real Cubs" and I received an immediate dressing down from the Scout-In-Charge. Despite my best efforts, I could not stop laughing and I was told to leave.

I was allowed to return the next week and I managed to get through that session unscathed. Actually, it was a lot of fun. The Scout-In-Charge explained the idea of merit badges and how to earn them. Before you could earn merit badges, you had to earn two stars, or "eyes" to display on your cap. Once you had "both eyes open", you were not only considered a true Cub Scout, you were well on your way to becoming an actual Boy Scout!

Within a month or two I'd earned my first star and I displayed it proudly on my cap. By this time the other newbies had earned both stars and they were working on their initial merit badges. I was so enamoured with my initial star, I really wasn't in much of a hurry to get the second one. This infuriated Scout-In-Charge and he finally called me out on my lack of effort in front of the entire troop. When I told Scout-In-Charge I was pretty much set on being a one-eyed pirate Cub, my journey ended.

By the time I was 12, two of my older brothers were serving in the Canadian Navy and they urged me to join the Navy Cadets. I didn't really care for their odd little hats so, with their blessing, I opted for the Canadian Army Cadets. 

On our first week we received our uniforms, a general introduction speech and we viewed a short film about Cadet Camp in Vernon, B.C. I became very excited. Ten whole days away from my parents and that camp looked like it kicked butt!

In the week leading up to the next session, my brother Tom showed me how to prepare and wear the uniform and of utmost importance, how to "hot spoon" and polish my boots until I could actually see my reflection in them. Tom then drove me to the local barber where I received a genuine military brush cut. I was unimpressed with the new hairdo but whatever, I was on my way to Camp "No-Oldies-For-10-Days"! 

At my second session I met an actual Army Captain and he complimented me on my "authentic appearance". I joined my first drill exercise virtually walking on air, but this elation ended quickly.

I grew up in a suburban neighbourhood where all the houses were built within a year or two of one another and the area was rife with kids my age. This made for a terrific childhood as everyone, including me, had 10 or 15 "best friends"! Of course there were exceptions. 

Every neighborhood had at least one kid who whined about everything, didn't really like anybody and generally set about making everyone around him miserable. We had Billy Markeen.

Billy's family was well off. He always had the nicest bike, the latest clothes and comic books, gobs of candy, tons of spending money and an overall "I'm way better than you" attitude. He also had a habit of picking fights, then calling on one or both of his older brothers to finish them up.

So, imagine my horror when I found out our "Staff Seargent/Drill Coordinator" was none other than Billy freaking Markeen.

I stood in the back row, hoping he'd either ignore or not see me. Of course that didn't happen. Upon eye contact, Staff Sgt. Markeen summoned me "front and centre". He slowly circled, his little wooden staff at the ready. He barked, "Straighten your hat!" and emphasized his directive with a tap on my shoulder. "Watch the stick, Markeen", I whispered. "THAT'S STAFF SERGEANT MARKEEN!" he shrieked.  

"Pull in your gut!" was his next directive, punctuated with a poke to my belly. "Don't do that again", I warned.

When Markeen drew back his stick once more, I plucked it from his hand, knocked his hat off with it, flipped it across the room and walked away. The last thing I recall is Staff Seargent/Drill Coordinator Markeen screaming, "GET THE HELL BACK HERE, HAMILTON!" That didn't happen.

In that moment it occurred to me; perhaps a career in the military would not be part of my future. As the years passed, I realized I could take directives and instruction as well as anyone. Orders? Not so much.

A Visit From Dad

Every now and again I get a subliminal "visit" from my late Dad. I was in a department store lineup recently and a dapper older gentleman was directly in front of me. 

He wore polished burgundy brogues, a navy blue topcoat, a grey suit, a white dress shirt and a paisley tie. He was impeccable. In front of him was a younger fellow in his mid-twenties, also in a suit and tie. 

The older gentleman seemed to study him for a time, then leaned forward and quietly said, "Young man, that's a fine suit, but just because it comes with 3 buttons doesn't mean you have to use them all. Try undoing the bottom button. I think you'll find it more comfortable."

The younger man complied, glanced at his reflection in a nearby mirror then he immediately thanked the older man. "Wow, that does feel better! Looks better too. Thank you!"

They shook hands and the moment was over, but I swore I caught a hint of my Dad's after-shave lotion! Thanks for dropping by, Dad.

Blatherings

• When I was in my early 60s and I'd tell people my age I'd hear, "No way! You look 45, maybe 50 but not 64!" Now when I tell folks I'm 65, I get, "Uh-uh, that's cool." What?!? In one YEAR?!? 
• As if I needed it, yet another sign of my rapidly advancing years: Every time I "Google" someone, I'm find I'm older than him or her, even when I've thought "there's no effing way!" Sigh. 
• We finally saw "Silver Linings Playbook". The way the writers and actors handled mental health issues with compassion and deftness, while avoiding the usual cinematic sugar coating, was both a joy and a relief. 
• Took a fall down the steps today with a arm full of laundry. I wasn't hurt and while I didn't see my life flash before my eyes, I did get a glimpse of my reality. I cannot afford to get hurt. 
• With the snow all but gone, I've this incredible urge to race outside and start raking. Or not. 
• We're about an hour into the movie "The Life Of Pi" and I'm thinking, "Now here's a big ol' slice of my life I'll never get back." 
• We've been watching a lot of home swap/renovation shows lately. After almost every program, I am totally psyched to jump up and do a few things around here. Thankfully, a snack and a short nap usually takes care of that. 
• I miss the huge, raucous family Christmas dinners from my childhood. 15 to 20 guests were not uncommon; old people, young people, children, babies, even pets. 
• Yesterday I noticed the ruching on a young lady's dress was badly bunched. Today I asked my wife to explain the difference between a bustier and a camisole. What the hell has happened to me? Project Runway, Fashion Police and too much daytime TV happened to me. How sad. 
• I was recently approached by 2 young Mormon men while walking Dave the dog. One asked if he could tell me about my eternity. I replied, "Certainly, then I'll tell you what the gays have done to the soil", and they walked away! Go figure. 
• 
  
• My childhood friend and the best athlete on our block, Jim Short, barely survived a heart attack just before Christmas. Lately, mortality keeps tapping me on the shoulder. 
• It's official. My hockey resurrection has come to an end. Tonight I turned quickly (?) from skating forward to backward and broke my ass. A half hour later, and with the help of one of the kids, I got my skates off, my boots on and dragged my broken ass home. Pathetic. 
• Have you ever encountered a life altering issue over which you've no control and can't avoid, but somehow, you've managed to live with it? Then, just for a moment, the issue wins and for that moment, you're utterly defeated, ground into the dirt. The good news; when that control returns, and it does eventually, you're often stronger for the experience. 
• I've noticed lately, a lot of people I know and some I care for deeply, are into agnosticism. I'm not sure why, but this saddens me. 
• The true measure of a genuine fool is often easy to define because they do it for you; willingly, readily and often. 
• Watching way too much TV again: My latest gripe - this kid says his Coca Cola delivery man Daddy delivers "happiness" and a "safer environment". I'm thinking more like "obesity", "empty calories" and "tooth decay". 
• Wakeup call to self: Stop seeking sympathy from others and grow a pair. Life's dealt you a difficult hand or two lately. So what?. Bitching irritates people. Fix it. Over and out. 
• Another "getting older/a-ha moment": I caught myself on the biffy, chuckling aloud at "Pickles" in the Journal comics. 
• Have you ever been physically surrounded by people, yet felt all alone? It's not always a bad happenstance, just an odd one. 
• When you ask people for help, you're actually presenting them with a gift. 
• How on earth does my wife expect me to go through our multitude of toiletries and locate something called "vanishing cream"? 
• They've been gone for years and I think of them often. Today however, I really miss my Mom and Dad. 
• What is with we Canadians? Usually shy and reserved in public, we fall over ourselves and stop whatever we're doing to help a total stranger push their car out of the snow! 
• Isn't it just a little bit amazing when the words or writings of a complete stranger can touch you to your very core? 
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 
• Over the past year we've celebrated, loved and mourned. We've been staggered, stricken, lifted and enlightened by the sheer joy and heart wrenching dread of it all. Really, life's a trip. 
• I believe Facebook has the potential to be among our most powerful tools in the promotion of global goodwill and...wait a second. Some SOB just "UNFRIENDED" me?!?! Why, I'll KILL that mother effing... 
• We recently lost a close friend suddenly, incredibly, to an embolism. God called Dave Taylor home 13 months after marrying the love of his life. I thought writing this down would make it real. It doesn't. 
• Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 
• Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many available, why not try a different one each day? 
• My most fervent wish for this ongoing undertaking is to ensure it never resembles a list of fortune cookie quotations. 
• I have no misgivings about adoring Dave, our dog. His ability to adore us knows no boundaries. 
• The Oilers, the Eskimos and the Chicago Cubs are not, and will never be, a waste of my time. 
• There is no explaining why we make the choices we do until after we've made them, and then there's usually no point. 
• If something I've said or written can be taken two ways and you find one of them offensive, I meant the other one. 
• Like me, when your elders said "what goes around comes around", did you find it funny? Now you've witnessed life a bit more, like me, do you marvel at how funny it isn't? 
• Golf is God's way of keeping me humble while ensuring I never take myself too seriously. He's very efficient at that sort of thing. 
• Facebook is a wonderful social networking tool, no question. Still, at times I wish it would automatically edit me for "stupid". 
• A young woman recently thanked me as I held a door open for her. Seconds later, she snarled an obscenity at her husband/boyfriend. Question: Why are we nicer to strangers than people we care about? 
• As I've gotten older, I've found reconnecting with old friends can be a crapshoot. Lesson learned? Go for it. It may not work but there's a reason you were friends in the first place. 
• Feeling lousy about your life? Watch any episode of "Maury". You'll feel better, guaranteed. 
• You know the years are sliding by when you have to "rest up" before going out to dinner! 
• I'm always more puzzled than hurt when I find someone's lied to me. 
• When did being a "worry wart" become an "anxiety disorder"? 
• Another friends parent passed today. Having already lost mine and my in-laws too, I keep hoping the news gets easier to bear. It doesn't. 
• It's minus 42. My cars been plugged in all night and it still won't start. We live here why again? 
• I think we should change the name from "Christmas Day" to "PRESENTS DAY - FINALLY". Just a thought.. 
• The best thing about Christmas is EVERYTHING. 
• The best thing about Boxing Day isn't much. Leftovers maybe? 
• I've noticed something about my youthful athletic accomplishments, particularly in their retelling. The older I get, the better I was. 
• I hate "de-Christmasing" our house. It's the only time of year the place looks seriously drab to me, even just for a day or two. 
• It's tough being an Oiler fan this year. Our season started slow and has kind of tapered off... (sigh). Oh well, the Cubs start spring training soon! 
• With our basement in complete disarray for the last 4 months, I've apparently determined this is the time to redefine "procrastination". 
• Is there a chance some of these kids so quickly diagnosed with "attention deficit disorder" are what we used to call "brats"? 
• Is there a chance some of these kids so quickly diagnosed with "Tauret's" are what we used to call "effing rude"? 
• Are there any behaviours left that DON'T have an associated "diagnostic title"? 
• I happened across a former co-worker/friend's obituary this morning. I grieve for his friends and family but selfishly, I grieve for my diminishing mortality as well. 
• Married over 43 years and my wife still cracks me up, pretty much at will. Lucky, lucky man... 
• I've a friend who still uses his fingers as parentheses when making a point. I love the guy but please God, make him stop. 
• Don't you hate it when certain behaviours on A and E's "Intervention" or "Hoarders" remind you of someone you know or worse yet, yourself? 
• Wow. Writer's block really DOES exist! Who knew? 
• The word "proud" is inadequate and pedestrian when applied to my admiration for my son, James and his lovely wife, Catherine. 
• I've a friend whose opinion on a "hot box" subject is the polar opposite of mine. She's passionate, intellegent and I respect her position. She cannot or will not reciprocate and now our friendship has ended. How very stupid. 
• It's nice the Canadian Government is matching my contribution to Haitian relief. But isn't that MY money too? 
• This morning I took steak out for dinner. Sue said she wanted sweet potato fries. I said "Okay" and when I served the fries, the first thing she said was, "What happened to the steak?" We men are so literal. 
• Tested the strength of your relationship lately? Buy $2K worth of IKEA stuff and renovate a room together. That'll do it. 
• The 2010 Olympics were terrific beyond my wildest expectations but if I hear that insipid "I Believe" theme music even one more time, a total mental disconnect cannot be ruled out. 
• Whichever merchandiser originated "restocking fees" had no concept of customer service. 
• Sue and I have seen more 2009 Oscar nominated movies than any year either of us can recall; TWO! Of course it doesn't hurt there's ten listed this year instead of the usual five... 
• It may be me and my "advancing years" but it seems IKEA instruction sheets are not as clear as they once were. All pictures, no words. 
• We're driving over 200 KMs next Sunday to have lunch with a dear couple we've not seen in over 30 years! How cool is that?!? 
• Today a laid off employee entered his former workplace, killed one man, gravely wounded another then killed himself. Naively, I'm still astonished when horror manifests itself as reality. 
• Not to gloat but unlike pre-retirement, "springing ahead" into Daylight Savings Time no longer has much of an impact on my life or daily activities. 
• I recently slipped on an icy walk and took a genuine prat fall. I wasn't hurt but I can't believe how much it frightened me. Where has my bullet proofing gone? 
• Generally, funerals suck. Ones including a lone piper are worse. If there's anyone out there with influence concerning my final arrangements, I beg you, no bagpipes. 
• Reality check: Today a neighbor referred to me as "that nice old guy from down the block" when he thought I was out of earshot. "Nice" is a positive thing, I suppose. 
• My new "something-to-do" retirement job involves stocking shelves at a book store weekdays from 5 a.m. to 9 a.m. I've always been a relatively early riser and I love this gig, but the sound of an alarm clock at 4:00 a.m. is just wrong.  
• Since his recent public fall from grace, Tiger Woods fell from American Dream status to full-on creep in a nano-second, all thanks to the wonders of the modern media machine. 
• I vividly recall a similar reaction to the O.J. Simpson scenario. The crime totally contradicted his percieved personna and it appeared to evolve through a guaze of make believe. 
• To me, the best thing about Facebook happened today. I had a phone conversation with a high school friend I've not heard from in 40+ years and the time melted away like ice cream on hot pavement. Fantastic. 
• My golf clubs are in the front hall, staring out the window, dreaming of novel ways to punish me in the morning. 
• Note to self: When you realize you sincerely detest specific actors in specific commercials, you're watching way too much TV. 
• I golfed with my pal Bryan today and he fired an 85; a terrific result. While I didn't score nearly as well, I feel as good as if I'd done it! Golf's a funny game that way. 
• It's odd how the passing of time can be as rewarding as it is cruel. It's a balance thing I suppose. 
• I just realized there's no expiration date on worrying about one's child. 
• Tonight Sue and I dined with a childhood friend of mine and his lovely wife. It had been 30 plus years since we'd seen each other but, magically, no time had elapsed. 
• (to be continued, like it or not, at the top of the list!)

Bullies

Imagine spending your childhood in a subdivision with 20 to 25 other kids your age, a year younger or a year older, all living within a three block radius. That was Avonmore in southeast Edmonton and for me at least, life couldn't have been better.

Combine the abundance of like minded, similar aged boys with immediate access to wide open athletic fields, two community skating rinks and a wild but explorable ravine and you've created the perfect backdrop for a childhood full of activity and adventure.

Many of us moved into this new subdivision at the same time and inevitably, strong friendships were formed. 

One exception was an immigrant German family, the Strellos, who moved into a yellow bungalow at the end of our crescent, roughly four years after the initial influx of families.

Mr. and Mrs. Strello both worked, an oddity to us. Most Moms stayed home back then. Another difference; they had two adult sons living with them. Their third son was a quiet, dark eyed 13 year old, Hans.

Though he was our age, Hans had a tough time fitting in. He didn't like sports, he spoke with a thick German accent and didn't seem interested in making friends. It didn't help when his parents made him wear leather shorts known as "lederhosen" every day, all through the summer and well into the fall.

Hans was a handsome kid, something the local girls picked up on right away. Though he didn't particularly seek their attention, they seemed to flock to him. This was another character trait we didn't appreciate.

What we opted to do about this situation was something we'd all come to regret.

We started by paying no attention whatsoever to Hans, and when that didn't seem to affect him, we picked on him at every opportunity. We mimicked his accent, called him "Smello Strello," the whole gamut, all outside the earshot of adults of course.

Eventually, a number of these confrontations became physical. Hans stood his ground every time. He fought his battles, won most of them and slowly began to gain our respect. The only problem; Hans either didn't realize it, or he no longer cared.

One sunny morning roughly 18 months after his arrival, Hans Strello retreated to his basement, loaded his brother Mike's shotgun and shot himself in the head.

The news swept through Avonmore like a forest fire, and the resulting guilt we felt was tangible.

Two days after his death, Hans' brothers came to our school. There was an assembly of all 8th and 9th Grade boys and Hans' eldest brother, Mike, stood at the front of the room. He asked, "Which of you boys were Hans' friends?"

With the exception of myself and three others, everyone raised their hands. We four lived closest to Hans and the shame sweeping over us was tangible.

My stomach dropped when Mike pointed us out and said, "We want you four to be Hans' pallbearers. You're the only ones telling the truth here today."

We had no choice but to oblige.

The suicide and funeral of Hans Strello impacted every boy in Avonmore. Petty arguments, feuds and senseless spats all but disappeared. It was if our youth disappeared as well, replaced by a staggering sense of guilt, grief and sadness. Of course, it didn't last. Youth is resilient, if nothing else.

Within weeks of the tragedy, the Strellos sold their house and moved away. We never saw or heard from them again.

I've spoken to two of my fellow pallbearers a few times in the 50 plus years since Hans' death. Our one remaining constant is an intolerance for bullying. When we see it, we stop it, or at least make an effort to do so. Another commonality; these activities have done nothing to assuage our guilt, individually or collectively.

This is a rather pathetic epitaph I know, but Hans and his family remain in our hearts and minds to this day. I like to believe their suffering stood for something. What that might be, I cannot imagine.

One Magic Evening

At 12 years old, my life was pretty routine; school, church, TV, sports, playing with my pals, the usual stuff.

Alone time with my Dad came at a premium. By then my 3 older brothers had left home and my youngest brother, Bruce, was barely a year old. Dad had a very demanding job, working 6 days a week, 10 to 12 hours a day. He was also active in a number of service clubs and enjoyed golf and curling. This didn't allow for a lot of one on one time for us, but my friends all had similar relationships with their fathers, so I didn't think much about it at all.

Dad was there for me when I needed him, of course, but I certainly would have enjoyed doing more things together. One evening he did something that changed our relationship forever.

The first difference between this Wednesday evening and the norm was my Dad's arrival home, around 4:30 p.m. instead of the standard 6:30 to 7:00. His first words to me were, "Bub, is your homework done?" I said it was. "Can you be ready to go in a half hour? We'll eat on the way."

"Where are we going?" I asked. "You'll see, Bub." He mussed my hair and went off to change his clothes.

30 minutes later we were out the door, in the car and on our way. We stopped at the neighborhood "greasy spoon" for burgers and fries. I didn't think Dad even knew where this joint was but I was beginning to sense there was something entirely different about this night. Still, no matter how much I quzzed him, Dad wouldn't give away our destination.

Eventually we arrived at what I thought was the biggest building in town, maybe all of Canada; the Edmonton Gardens. "Are we going to see the Flyers, Dad?"

"So it seems." Dad had a grin on his face like I'd never seen before.

I'd been to the Gardens on Sunday afternoons to watch our Junior team, the Oil Kings, but I'd never been to a night game nor seen the Edmonton Flyers, the Detroit Red Wing's top farm team. Just going to this game was a huge deal for me.

Watching the warmup, I recognized a few players, mostly former Oil Kings; Len Haley, Jack Price, Eddie Joyal and Bruce MacGregor, but there was one player I definitely hadn't seen before. 

A little taller than the others, this particular guy had sloping shoulders, a unique stride and displayed a compact ease with the puck. Suddenly, he flicked a nasty wrist shot half the length of the ice, straight into the top corner of the empty net at the far end of the arena, then he skated right by our rinkside seats. I almost passed out. It was Gordie Howe.

Howe had suffered a broken wrist and as part of his rehabilitation program, he'd been assigned to Edmonton for 3 games to get back into shape. My Dad figured this was the only time I'd ever get to see my favorite NHL player, so he broke every weeknight rule in our household to make it happen.

The actual game is a blur. I can't even remember who the Flyers played, but they won, big. I do recall reminding myself to breathe every time Howe took a shift, and to say the man did not disappoint would be an understatement. His skill level was so much higher than everyone else's, the difference was absolutely tangible! 

As Howe's meteroic career continued, I did see him play again, but not until he was in his 50s, playing with his sons for Houston of the World Hockey Association.

It's odd how one event or one evening can change everything. From that night on Dad and I had just a little more than the usual father son relationship. Intentionally or otherwise, we'd forged a kinship, a closeness we'd never had before and I'm pleased to say it continued until his passing.

I discovered later he'd done similar individual things with each of my brothers, which went a long way in explaining just what an exceptional father he was. This very special gift from my Dad is something I'll treasure for the rest of my life.

Mr. Gorke's Tattoo

The custodian at our junior high school, Mr. Gorke, had a small tattoo on his forearm. Being a 13 year old idiot, I asked him where he got it. He said he was too busy to explain, but he would tell me later. An older student overheard our exchange, took me aside and gave me a terse yet accurate description of the Holocaust. I'd never heard a word about it until that moment, and I found the entire concept impossible to imagine.

That evening after supper, my Dad filled in a few more blanks for me. As a WWII veteran, he felt he had an obligation to tell me all he knew.

A few days later Mr. Gorke asked me to help him set things up for an assembly. I arrived at the gym to find everything already set up and Mr. Gorke sitting alone in the front row.

Over the next half hour he gently but explicitly led me through his horrific story. Sensing my shock he said, "I know this is difficult Brian, but you need to know what happened." I don't think I responded but I recall a huge wave of sadness washing over me as I left the gym.

Over time Mr. Gorke and I developed a friendship and I was honored to attend his funeral in 1997. We only discussed his ordeal that one time.
I can only wish for the eloquence required to properly express my horror at the monstrous acts of which we're capable as "human beings", particularly as they compare to the bravery and steadfastness of the human spirit.

Me & Burton Cummings

In the late 1970's I was with AGT (now known as TELUS) Broadcast Services. We were providing a satellite uplink for a Burton Cummings CBC live special. Rumor had it he was on the verge of leaving the Guess Who, and this was to be his first live solo performance.

The purpose of our meeting was to lay out the programming schedule for the portable AGT uplink to connect to the CBC satellite.

God knows why, but he showed up at our technical production meeting and appeared to confuse it for a performance production meeting.

We sat in stunned silence as Cummings raged about his various "cheap assed, idiotic problems". He ranted about everything from the size of his dressing room to the fact he didn't have a car and driver at his disposal. We didn't attempt to answer his shrieking demands, which was just as well. He clearly wasn't in a mood to listen anyway.

Eventually one of his toadies quietly clued him in. As he swept out of the room, entourage in tow, actually wearing a cape, his parting words were "F*CK ALL YOU EGGHEAD ASSHOLES!" 

Later I sat in the truck and watched the show live. The rude, crude son of a bitch absolutely crushed it. He was amazing.

Dumb, dumb, dumb....

Back in the early 70s my wife Sue and I were in a piano bar in Honolulu, and for no reason other than that's what I was into back then, I got absolutely blitzed.

As luck would have it, the mens room door happened to be held open by several stacked boxes, which turned out be cases of liquor. As I left the facilities, I reached 2 feet over my head into the top case and extracted a bottle of Chivas, my favorite Scotch!

I was in a tank top and shorts and God knows how but I managed to exit the bar without anyone, including Sue and the couple we were with, noticing what I'd done!

The next day my conscience and the hangover meant forJudas gnawed at me with a vengeance. By early evening I could no longer stand it. I returned to the scene of my crime, the piano bar.

Having already cracked the bottle, I couldn't return it but I asked for the manager, told him what I'd done and praying he wouldn't kill me, handed him a fistful of bills. The guy was a giant Samoan and I was sweating bullets as he came around the counter.

I really thought I was about to die but he gave me a huge hug, thanked me for my honesty and said, "That's great brah, but you grabbed a 12 year old bottle of Chivas. You owe me another eight bucks!"

Sue gave the bar manager a twenty and we were gone. As we litertaly ran out the door, we could hear everyone behind us roaring with laughter!

5 years later, we had an overnight layover in Honolulu on our way to Maui. Upon our arrival, Sue was tired so she took an early evening nap and I went for a walk. Imagine my surprise to find that same little piano bar, right where we'd left it! I decided to check the place out.

The moment I entered I was stunned to find little had changed. The bar and the staff appeared to be the same bunch as before. The manager recognized me immediatey and roared,"Hey, brah, how's it? Look at you! C'mon, have a Chivas on me....but stay the hell outta the bathroom!"

Confrontation, 2011 Style

Today I made my usual mid-week grocery run to Super Store. I pulled into a snug parking spot and realized I was too close to the car beside me. As I started backing up, I noticed a young couple walking behind me and stopped immediately. The man thumped the back of my car with his fist.

I was a little surprised to see him standing there as I exited my vehicle. Around 5'10" and 140 pounds, he had his wife and 2 small children with him. His little hands were balled into fists and the first words out of his mouth were, "Watch where yer goin', asshole!"

I responded, "I was watching. That's how you didn't get hit by my car. Why are you still here?"

The kid's face was beet red as he snarled, "I oughta kick your ass! That's why!" He wrenched free of his wife as she tried to pull him away. "C'mon Ed, can we just go?" she pleaded. One of his children began to cry. "Shut those goddamned kids up!" snarled Ed.

It was starting to look like this could escalate and 25 or 30 years ago, it may have. But that was then and this was now. I decided to be honest.

"I feel bad for you, I really do. Either way this goes, you lose. Beat up an old guy who then calls the cops, you lose. Get laid out by an old guy who then calls the cops, you still lose."

Ed began to advance, his angry little fists raised. "Let's do this", he growled.

"Ed, that's just stupid. You've been watching too much TV. Nothing's going to happen. Go home. Get some help."

With that, I turned and walked towards the store. I could hear Ed huffing and fuming but just as I thought he would, he'd started herding his family toward their vehicle.
I feel truly sorry for this young man. I keep imagining how badly his life will play out, particularly with the innate anger he carries. Maybe he was just having a bad day and I was the excuse he needed to lash out. I hope that was the case but sadly, I doubt it.

"Shoosh"?!?

 I thought I'd I found the perfect post-retirement, part-time job; stocking shelves in a bookstore. I worked Monday through Friday, from 5 a.m. to 9 a.m. This allowed me ample time to make a few bucks while maintaining a fullfilling home life. The job was a little more complex than I'd have thought; oddly challenging but fun. My co-workers were all very nice and for the most part, I fit right in. I had extremely positive responses to my work ethic and while my learning curve didn't feel as sharp as I'd have liked, things were progressing well.

After a year, I encountered a new supervisor who didn't like me. She said as much within a day or two of our meeting. This was a scenario I'd seldom encountered before. Very soon Supervisor Linda was on me about everything task I performed and within a week I began to dread coming to work. I knew instinctively Linda was trying to make me quit and at $10 per hour, my patience was running thin. It dawned on me I wasn't there because I still enjoyed my job. I was there because I couldn't stomach the thought of her "winning"; not a good reason to keep getting out of bed at 4:00 a.m.

One morning Linda asked me why I was doing something a certain way. Midway through my explanation she shoved a stubby index finger in my face and "shooshed" me! I lost it. I'd never before had a derogatory word for Linda but in my mind, she'd stepped over a line. I think my little rant went something like this.

"Are you insane? I'm a 62 year old, grown assed man and you just SHOOSHED me. What're you, 40 something (she's 34)? You've been here, what, 20 years (more like 5)? You've advanced as far as you ever will and really, how pathetic is that? Do you realize the income tax taken off my pension check is more money than you'll ever see in a month? Why would I give a damn what you think or how you feel a task should be done? Seriously, get bent."

By this time the other 3 staff on duty were staring at us, open mothed. Flustered and beet red, Linda mumbled something about my not being allowed to speak to her that way and then, for the first time ever, I quit a job on the spot. It was glorious.

In the end I probably made Linda a very happy little supervisor but I couldn't have cared less. Over 40 years of pent up workplace frustration evaporated in a nano-second. I'd never been so happy with a snap decision in my life and given the circumstances, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

The Origin of the Hamilton Family Motto

In Scotland of the early 1300's, the three Hamilton clans joined Robert the Bruce in the revolt against King Edward the 1st, also known as "Longshanks". They were basically thieves and thugs, yet this revolt all but legitimized their activities.

On one ocassion they were pursued and eventually cornered in a forest by a contingent of Longshanks' forces. Thinking on their feet, they immediately "borrowed" axes and appropriate garb from the locals and posing as what we refer to as lumberjacks, began frantically chopping down trees.

Back then workers hollered "Through!" instead of "Timber!" when felling a tree and the Hamiltons followed suit.

Thinking these fellows were legitimate, the soldiers blew right by them and the Hamilton Family Motto "Through!" was born.

Jack Semple

Canadian guitarist/singer Jack Semple recently played a charity to rebuild the roof of the ancient United Church in dowtown Edmonton. My brother Bruce volunteered he and I to work the door.

Semple was brilliant; very skilled, versatile, funny - the whole package. After his first startlingly intricate number he took the mike, thanked everyone and asked, "Just curious. How many of you play guitar?"

There were over 500 people there and not a hand went up. Bruce whispered, "Raise your hand!" and I just glared at him.

Semple came back with, "Let me put this another way. How many of you OWN a guitar?"

Amid a roar of laughter more than half the people there, including me, raised their hands! It's likely an old bit but I'd never heard it before and I thought it was hilarious!

"Top of the Marnin' To Ya!"

Back in my AGT/TELUS days, one of my best friends was a gruff, grumpy expatriate Brit, Steve White. Steve is an intellegent, interesting guy. An associate engineer, he excelled at his job and he also happened to play guitar like the proverbial "ringin' bell".

Quick witted and always ready with a joke, Steve's humor can be a little raw for some, but he's a charmer nontheless.

One particular recollection captures Steve White perfectly. We were having post-work drinks with a few guys when a pal of ours, Jerry McKenna, announced he was out of money and headed home. Steve offerd to lend Jerry $20 and his offer was readily accepted.

A few days, then a few weeks and finally a couple of months passed and Jerry still hadn't repaid Steve. Jerry's a good man and to this day I'm certain he simply forgot. We'd see Jerry almost every day and Steve would complain and grumble to me every time.

One day Steve and I were on the "up" escalator to work when we spotted Jerry coming down. "There's that cheap son-of-a...", muttered Steve. "Look", I said. "He's obviously forgotten. Just ask him for the money but for God's sake, show a little class. Be subtle."

"Subtle. Got it" mumbled Steve. Seeing us coming, Jerry flashed his usual smile and called out, "Hey guys, how's it goin'?"

"Top of the marnin' to ya, Jer'" responded Steve. "WHERE'S ME FOOKIN' MONEY?"

An ashen-faced Jerry fumbled with his wallet as we passed on the escalator. Steve grinned wickedly, subtle to the end.

The Party

A recent weekend marked two significant events for my wife Sue and I. October 16th was my sixty-first birthday and of more personal signifigance, October 17th marked our fortieth wedding anniversary.

Overall, it's been an up and down year. My son James married his lovely wife Catherine on October 17th of last year. 8 months later, Sue was diagnosed with leukodystrophy, a skewed cousin of MS. Our dearest friend's son-in-law, Dave Taylor, died suddenly and tragically of an anuerism a mere 13 months after his marriage. We "rediscovered" two couples we'd been friends with over 30 years ago and found little had changed; we still adored them! While these happenstances are totally unrelated, they're a direct reflection of the incredulous joy and profound sadness possible within a minimal timeframe.

I considered our 40th anniversary special and I wanted to find something significantly romantic and enjoyable for both of us. Our eventual choice turned out to be one of our best ideas, ever.

We decided to rent a private room at Tom Goodchild's Moose Factory restaurant and treat a number of friends to dinner. When it came to choosing folks to attend, good luck won out over good planning. Quite by accident, the couples we asked represented every phase of our forty years together. We were a little worried as none of these couples knew each other but thankfully, our concerns were groundless. Everyone came together like they'd been friends forever, to our great delight.

In no particular order, the guest list:

Bryan Bury and Terry Nuthall:
Our closest friends over the past 15 years, we first met Bryan and Terry in a local Mill Woods bar, of all places. I'd never have imagined the magnitude of our eventual friendship.

As the years went by we developed a number of common interests. For example; Bryan and I like to golf, Sue and Terry like to drink beer and gossip. Eventually we became close with one another's immediate and extended families. After going on three wonderful vacations together, we realized we'd developed a lifelong relationship. Now we're as close as family and I've no idea how we'd survive without them. 

Bruce & Lynn Hamilton:

These two are simply terrific people, individually and as a couple.

Bruce is my youngest brother, mentor, confidant and best friend, all in one. Lynn is just about the sweetest person you'll ever know. My very first impression of her was, "C'mon, no-one's that nice." Within 5 minutes I knew I was wrong. As we came to know her family, it wasn't difficult to figure out the source of Lynn's lovely demeanour. Her entire family has the same quality!

Every so often you'll meet a couple and think, "They are perfect together!", only to learn later their so-called allegiance is contrived as a means of impressing people. Bruce and Lynn were hand picked by fate to be together and their "positive vibe" is as fresh and strong today as it was at the onset.

Bruce is composed, wickedly funny and intelligent. He also has excellent taste in women, obviously. Lynn is definitely a "girly-girl" but while her humour is gentle and tasteful, there's also a touch of zaniness, something you definitely don't see coming.

Bruce and Lynn present a sense of whimsical fun to any situation and once you've met them, the pleasantly indelible impression they leave stays with you always. They're a true joy.

Steve and Elaine Roebuck:

Steve and I worked together at TELUS and while we didn't do a lot of socializing outside the workplace, our pressure packed work environment somehow helped us to get along, not that we needed incentive.

One of the more effective ways to deal with pressure is to maintain a combination of professionalism and levity whenever possible; something Steve and I seemed to pick up on instinctively. Working with Steve was like spending every work day with a best buddy. I admired his abilities as a technician and leader while his self-effacing humour and sense of dedication to task made him one of the most interesting guys I've ever worked with.

Once I left TELUS, things got a little crazy and Steve and I lost touch. Years later we reacquainted through Facebook and eventually, we met Steve and his wife of 2 years, Elaine, for breakfast. Suffice to say, Steve got the marriage thing right. These two are a walking, talking contradiction of the axiom "opposites attract". Both are bubbly, cheery and they obviously adore one other . They couldn't be any less opposite yet meeting them is a little like reuniting with your first love, only with a lot more laughs!

Brooke and Lucy Rothwell:

These folks have been our next door neighbors for over 20 years and our friends for nearly as long.

The first two times I met Brooke, I knocked on his door to ask him for a ride back to a bar where I'd left my car the night before! Great first impression, right? As it turns out, the love of a cold beer was merely one of several things we had in common. While we often differ in opinion, we've a mutual love affair with just about anything involving sports. One major difference; Brooke happens to be a gifted athlete and I'm, well, not. Still, over time we've developed a rather complete sports ideology; a situation we like to explore at every opportunity.

Lucy is a rare, genuinely kind spirit. To me, it's as if she subconsiously assigns others a 10 out of 10 rating from the beginning, then gives them every possible opportunity to maintain that rating. It's very difficult to alienate Lucy, though God knows why you'd want to! Lucy and Sue are avid gardeners with a mutual appreciation for plants and flowers while Lucy and I prefer to simply gab over the back fence! Given either instance, Lucy easily ranks as our best neighbor ever.

Lucy and Brooke have two grown sons, Jamie and Joel. Both are outstanding young men and Sue and I have known them since their pre-school years. As kids, these two were real chatterboxes and we always knew a little more about the Rothwell family than either Brooke or Lucy may have appreciated!

Jim and Michelle Short:

Jim and I grew up together in the Avonmore area of south Edmonton. He was the neighbourhood jock, far and away the best athlete in the area but you'd never know it from the way he carried himself. The ultimate nice guy, Jim didn't have an enemy in the world and I still consider him one of my very best friends.

As often happens, time and circumstances interrupted our friendship but the death of my Mom brought us together again and over the past few years, we've re-established our relationship. It turns out the very things that made us friends so long ago remain unchanged.

Jim and Michelle have been together roughly 10 years but just as I'd expect, Michelle is one terrific lady, full of energy and enthusiasm, the perfect counterpoint for Jim, and Sue and I genuinely enjoy their company! 


So that, my friends, was our celebration. I've kept everyone's contact information handy in the almost certain event we repeat the party 10, then 20 years from now!

Memoirs of an Apprentice Nice Old Guy

Lately I've been hearing a lot about "aha moments". They seem to occur when life suddenly pops up and says, "Look here. Now." I've had a few in my time and recently I was hit with one that stuck.

While walking Dave the Dog, I came across a new neighbour struggling to get a large bag of cement from his mini-van to his backyard. I introduced myself and between neighbour Hal and I, we managed to haul the bag to it's destination.

As I was walking away, I overheard Hals wife ask who'd helped him. "It was that nice old guy from down the block".

Aha.

I was chuckling when I got home but still, I found myself peering at my reflection in the hall mirror. While the owlish, slightly sagging countenance staring back didn't look completely alien, it didn't look overly familiar either. I smiled. I grimaced. I opened my eyes as wide as I could, then I squinted. It was me of course, but oddly, it was like I was seeing me for the first time.

Later on I found myself musing about various nice old guys from my past. Of course my Dad came to mind immediately. A handsome, soft spoken man, Al Hamilton was a quiet, industrious guy with a wicked sense of humour. He loved golf and curling, and excelled at both. As National Retail Director for Holt Renfrew Canada, he was well respected and considered an over-achieivng yet personable man by employees, employers and competitors in "the rag business", as he referred to it. Above all, my Dad was a dedicated family man and in many ways, a model for how I've tried to live my life.

Through circumstances not of my choosing, I had to tell this beloved man that my Mom, Doris, his wife of 54 years, had passed away suddenly. In that instant, my Dad became an old man. His facial features caved, his shoulders drooped and a soft, low moan escaped from the depths of his chest, a sound I'd never heard before or since. He never fully recovered. Dad lived another three years but despite his and our best efforts, it was a sad, joyless existence. Looking back, I suppose this would qualify as yet another "aha moment".

Of course not all my "old guy" memories are sad. In fact, most are not. A prime example of an engaging memory concerns one Moe Love. Back in the TeleCom Canada days of the 1980's, Moe was the Broadcast Services account rep for Bell Ontario and I held a similar position for AGT. Though he was in his mid-sixties and I my thirties, we hit if off from the first time we met.

Reps from the various provincial telephone companies would meet once each year in a member city for a four day work session. The agendas were intense and the workload heavy, but at least one evening was reserved for socializing. My fondest memory of Moe involved a Toronto session. Though based out of Ottawa at the time, Moe was born, raised and had worked the majority of his life in downtown Toronto. He knew the area intimately. 

After a splendid dinner at his favourite noshery, Moe took four of us on a walking tour of his old stomping grounds; Bloor, Yonge and Dundas Streets. Amazingly, he knew most of the cops, street vendors and professional ladies (the older ones anyway) by name. The highlight of my evening came when we visited the Yonge Street "Sam The Record Man" store where Moe introduced us to his childhood pal, Sam Sniderman, the original "Sam"! We spent 20 minutes or more discussing every aspect of the recording industry. I'll never forget a moment of it.

We got back to our hotel just after one a.m. The bar was closing but of course, Moe knew the bartender so he and I were able to savour our last libation, on the house. Moe retired from Bell shortly after that session. I never saw him again but from what I've heard, he's into his nineties and still regaling people with wonderful stories of a downtown Toronto most have forgotten. Mr. Love was, and is, the quintessential "nice old guy".

Last year I wrote a piece about a favourite teacher of mine, Ivan Birdsell. He was in his early seventies when I took his summer school trigonometry course. He got me through a ball breaking regimen with his will and amazing teaching abilities but that was only part of the story. Ivan was just a shade over four feet tall and weighed roughly one hundred and forty pounds. He had a silver brush-cut and steel blue eyes. He was an outstanding golfer, a rabid Yankees fan and he loved jokes. "Groaners" and corny shaggy dog stories were his favourites. That said, Ivan detested crude or demeaning humour and he could be searingly clear with his objections.

We remained close, often meeting for lunch or coffee in the restaurant on the top floor of the Woodwards department store. Our conversations would revolve around family, sports (he had an amazing memory for jersey numbers!), music and yes, even mathematics! No subject was taboo and frankly, Ivan was probably the first true liberal I ever met. He was accepting of every social group, religious denomination, race or sexual orientation; an exceptionally rare quality for the times. This may have had something to do with his stature and his ability to live an equal life despite what he used to laughingly call his "shortcomings". At four feet tall, Ivan Birdsell was easily one of the biggest men I ever knew.

If I am very lucky, when it's my turn to take what Moe Love endearingly refers to as "the big dirt nap", someone, perhaps a number of people, will remember me as a nice old guy. Lord knows I'd be in excellent company.

Recalling Josephine

In the space of 5 minutes Josephine Wiltshire, my 82 year old mother-in-law, was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 3 months to live. Rather than panic or grieve, Josie immediately began making plans to ensure she didn't waste a second. Her primary concern was to ensure she passed in her home and not in what she saw as an antiseptic mausoleum. With her sons, daughters and their spouses living in the general vicinity, it was relatively easy for our respective families to make the required arrangements.

My wife had a nursing background and I had built up some extra vacation time. We arranged for daily visits by a public health worker and twice weekly visits by her doctor. We worked out a shift schedule with the family, with each couple taking 12 hour shifts caring for Josie.

As time passed we began to fall into something of a routine. Josie did everything in her limited power to make things as pleasant as possible, despite the scenario. She asked us to "keep the conversation light" and not to be "morbid". For the most part, we were able to comply. Once the ongoing days and nights established their rhythm a certain normalcy was established, despite the tragic circumstances.

I pitched in by doing the laundry and a good share of the cooking and cleaning. I also spent time serenading Josie as she loved the guitar. She wasn't nearly as enamored with my vocal efforts, a fact she was only too happy to impart. Eventually, I stayed with the instrumentals pretty much exclusively.

Because Josie was as close to me as my own mother had been, I considered the opportunity to look after her a privilege, particularly since she'd spent the majority of her life looking after us. My one insistence was that I not be present when she actually died as I was certain I couldn't handle it. You can probably guess what happened next, but here it comes anyway.

My wife and her sister hadn't been out of the house for days. Josie had been sleeping a lot by this point, so I suggested they take a quick run to the mall, maybe grab lunch or do a little shopping. After much coaxing, they agreed.

I was sitting with Josie when I was suddenly overwhelmed with a need to play a song for her. It took mere seconds to retrieve my guitar from the next room but when I returned, Josie's eyes were closed and her breathing was labored. I held her hand until her breathing slowed then ceased and eventually, her heart stopped as well. The moment I'd dreaded my entire life was upon me.

Over time my faith had strengthened and my fear of death had eased, but only slightly, then I witnessed the sublime grace with which this beloved woman slipped away. Incredibly, I was overcome with a rush of love, peace and relief I never knew existed. Any fear of death I'd been harboring disappeared and truthfully, it's never returned.

In the end, Josie managed to present me with one last, profound gift; an opportunity to witness a rare glimpse of life, albeit at its cessation. If there was any way to ease the finality of her last moments, I should have known Josie would find it.

"When Santa Calls"

As a kid, I vividly recall snickering whenever one of my fellow eight or nine year olds would declare, "Ya know what? Santa's not real!"

I would chuckle quietly because I knew better. A select few of my friends knew better too because, like me, Santa phoned them personally every year. I figured if these other fools weren't being called, Santa must have had his reasons; the poor schmucks.

Two or three weeks before Christmas the phone would ring, my Dad would answer then turn to me and say, "Somebody wants to talk to you". I'd know immediately who it was. Even before I took the handset I'd hear a hearty "HO-HO-HO!" and I'd know beyond a doubt, Santa was right there on the other end!

The actual conversations were much the same every year. He'd ask if I'd been good and I'd slam him with the usual litany; I'd been keeping my grades up, going to church, keeping my room clean, listening to my folks and so on. At this point one of my older brothers would make a dramatic grab for the phone, hollering, "Hey! Let me talk to this guy!" Miraculously, they never managed to wrestle it away from me. Next would come, "What would you like for Christmas this year?" and I'd rattle off the years list by rote. This close to Christmas, it was etched into my brain like a tattoo.

Each year I'd drop Santa a line shortly after my mid-October birthday. I figured he'd have a ton of letters to go through before the big day and it was common knowledge that Santa's elves filled the orders as they came in. Because I'd mailed mine in October, I was certain it would be one of the first processed. It sounds greedy now but at the time, I considered it covering my bases.

When Santa called after my 10th birthday, he mentioned this would be the last one. He said the number of younger kids was increasing and his call list was getting a little hard to handle. All I needed to do was keep the letters coming and of course he had the whole "I'll know if you've been bad or good" thing going, so the process would continue as it always had. I was totally fine with his explanation.






By the time he stopped calling, I was into hockey, school was taking up a little more time and of course, there were girls. Slowly, thoughts of a magical old fat guy miraculously showing up each year with presents just... sort of ... faded away.

Flash forward to my early thirties. Dad called and asked if I'd attend a funeral with him. Twelve years older than my Dad, Jimmy Parsons served with him in the RCAF during WWII. He was also my Canadian Legion boxing coach for thirteen terrifying months. Coach Parsons was a fine man and I was honored to attend the services, particularly with my Dad.

There was a tea afterwards and Dad introduced me to Jim's widow, Alice. "Oh so you're the one", she gushed. "Jim asked me to give you this. Of all the kids he talked to, he always enjoyed your conversations the most. You were always such a polite, organized little guy!"

Clueless, I looked down at the tattered binder she'd handed me. Opening it, I found a list of 17 kids names, their ages, genders, likes and dislikes, phone numbers and the names of their Moms and Dads, all carefully hand-written in tidy columns. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Jim Parsons was Santa Claus! And I'd been given his "makin' a list and checkin' it twice" ledger, with nary an idea of exactly what to do with it!

The first year was an eye opener. I fully expected everything to go smoothly but instead, I received hands-on lessons in "management by crisis" and "scenario adaptability" within the first 3 calls.

The first roadblock I encountered was skepticism. "HO-HO-HO! THIS IS SANTA CALLING! WHO AM I SPEAKING TO?"

"You phoned me so you should know. You're not Santa! Who is this?!? MAAAAAAAA!!!!" shrieked little Dougie as the handset hit the floor.

Soon Mom came to the phone and we quickly developed a strategy. Once Mom had Dougie back on the line, I referred to the notes left by my predecessor and asked the little guy how his guitar lessons were going. He warmed right up, we had our little Q and A and young Doug hung up the phone, a very happy camper.

The next few calls went smoothly and my confidence slowly began to build. This Santa stuff was not only an effective way to get into the Christmas spirit and fun for the kids, it was easy! Then I called five year old Meredith.

We'd established what a good little girl she'd been; she'd even stopped tormenting her 8 year old brother. She began listing off what she wanted for Christmas. There were only 2 or 3 items on her list, and the last one went as follows. "My Daddy died at Easter but I want him to come for Christmas dinner then he can go back to stay at Jesus' house, okay?"

I heard Mom gasp in the background as I harrumphed and hemmed, struggling for an appropriate reply. Finally I rumbled in my best Santa voice, "I'm sorry honey, but I can't do that last one. Is that okay?"

"Okay", she replied. "Wanna talk to my Mom again? I'm goin' to Judy's house for spaghetti dinner, with really garlic toast!" As the years progressed, this would not be the only time I would marvel at a child's resiliance.

In the beginning I called the kids from the Coach's list exclusively but as each child approached his or her tenth birthday, the list diminished accordingly until there were virtually no children left.

I can't recall exactly who it was but someone I worked with suggested I approach my co-workers with an offer to have Santa contact their children. I floated the idea verbally to a number of people first, with positive results. Eventually I penned an internal memo and stated I knew Santa personally and if anyone was interested, I would ask him to call their children.

There were a lot of questions at first but a few people signed up and afterwards they told others how their kids had horoughly enjoyed the experience. The list soon expanded from 10 children to 25 or 30.

Over the next 15 years the list grew in numbers as well as company exposure. Each year it seemed another TELUS area would hear about this clown in Change Management playing Santa and sign their kids up. At the list's peak the number surpassed 250 children! Still, the program had it's growing pains:
Santa had to start specifying a preferred date and time for the call as a result of "missing" the odd child and having an irate parent on his butt the very next day.
Santa had to be certain every adult in the household was aware of his impending call after one unaware, seething Dad offered to kick Santa's "pervert ass" for him.

When submitting a child's name, many parents would ask Santa to tell the child he or she "wouldn't be getting anything at all" if they "didn't straighten out their act" or "get at least a C in math" or "stop talking back". I advised these well-meaning folks that mine was not a particularly vengeful, demanding Santa and would not operate in a threatening way.

Santa gained a ton of credibility when TELUS began changing my caller i.d. each October through January to read "Santa Claus - North Pole"!

TELUS gained a ton of credibility with Santa when they stepped up to cover the long distance fees for Santa's calls each year. (Note - Santa was not only relieved financially, this move also greatly decreased the lumps of coal he'd been delivering to TELUS executives).

Each New Year Santa would get at least one call or e-mail from a disgruntled parent of one of the 250+ kids who for some reason didn't get a call, didn't believe they were talking to Santa, thought Santa didn't "sound right" etc.

Each New Year Santa received dozens of e-mails and calls from grateful parents, often including requests for repeat calls the following Christmas.

Upon my retirement from TELUS, maintaining the list became extremely difficult and after two fumbling, operationaly difficult years, Santa regrettably discontinued the calls.

To this day he misses that rare child who'd drop the phone, unable to speak, then howl indignantly when Santa had no choice but to hang up after a few minutes of silence (worry not, Santa always called back).

He misses the repeat kids who, cool as cucumbers, would say breezily, "Oh hi Santa. How was your year? And Mrs Claus, how is she? Are Rudolph and the gang all rested up? If you're ready, my list is right here."

Finally, each year there would be at least one tiny kid who'd end his or her call with a whispered, "Santa.....I love you." With these, Santa would almost always have to wait a bit before moving on to his next call.

The Christmas season's still Santa's favorite, of course, but it will never be quite the same. I'm not certain but he may be waiting for another TELUS employee to pick up the challenge. Should that ever happen, I'd bet my life that person would begin re-experiencing Christmas with the same sense of wonder he remembers from his childhood.

"The Most Special Of Days"

"You're getting married where?"

"Canmore," responded our son James. "It's near Banff, Cat and I both love it. It's so beautiful, it'll be great!"

Sue and I were out for dinner with James and his fiance Catherine, a.k.a. Cat, and while we knew she'd said yes, this was our first discussion concerning actual wedding details.

They'd already touched our hearts by asking us for permission to "share" our 39th anniversary date of October 17, 2009. "That way," James explained, "your 40th will be on the same day as our 1st and maybe we'll be able to do something together, the four of us!"

Sue and I were elated at the prospect of this wedding, on our anniversary date or otherwise. Both Cat and James were deeply involved with theatre, they'd been together over 6 years and they obviously knew one another soul to soul. To us, the timing was ideal. Another impressive signal; their quiet air of mutual respect, admiration and love. Keenly aware of one another's feelings and presence, Cat and James were destined to be together and things were about move forward.

Still, Sue and I had serious misgivings about their venue choice. A prairie boy visualizing an outdoor service in the mountains of Alberta in mid-October, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with one vision - blizzard! Alternately, the kids seemed to dismiss this possibility with a wave of their collective hand.

It was around then we began to realize they had a plan, an overwhelming faith in that plan and the moxy, the contacts and the imagination to pull it off. As the weeks and months went by the wedding details unfolded, in their vernacular, to rave reviews!

I'd never seen a "save-a-date" note before but one arrived three or four months before the ceremony. It was a cute, funny little card, designed and printed by Cat and James and they'd sent them to their invitees. The idea was to advise people of the wedding date and to let them know they'd be receiving a formal invitation later on.

The save-a-date note included the address of a wonderful little website, designed, maintained and routinely updated by Cat's brother Matt. The site provided details concerning the couple; where they met, how James proposed etc. There were pictures of the area surrounding Canmore, the town itself and the specific venue, the Nordic Center, as well as hotel suggestions and the times and places for the various events. I found the entire idea extremely thoughtful and we had more than a few compliments from other surprised and pleased recipients.

As other events unfolded, it became apparent this wedding would be a little different and a lot more fun than many others preceding it.

This next section may seem a little out of synch but fear not, it will transform into a necessary story component!

Unlike most teens, James displayed little or no interest in learning to drive. He kept his learner's permit current for identification purposes and while he made a few half-hearted attempts to get a full blown license over the years, he never seemed to feel an urgency to get it done. Then a little over a month before the wedding, James did a one-eighty, called me and asked if I'd help him pass his driver's test. I agreed immediately.

For the next few weeks I'd drive over to James' house just about every day and get him behind the wheel. Don't tell him I said this but frankly, he was a natural. We stuck pretty close to home the first day but within two subsequent days he was highway and freeway driving, taking on heavy city traffic during rush hour, parallel parking - the works. By the day he took his practical driving exam, he had it cold and passed with no problem, as I was certain he would. But that wasn't the exciting part!






Cat has a driver's license but she hadn't driven in years. The day after James passed his test, just two days before their wedding, he and Cat rented a car for the trip to Canmore. By 4:00 p.m. Friday, James was battling his way through Calgary rush hour, headed for the Banff highway. This was part of his first solo as a licensed driver, though from what I understand, Cat did a terrific job of riding shotgun.

Nobody will ever convince James he's a procrastinator. He has an uncanny sense of exactly when there's sufficient time to put things together and I have to say, he has a pretty good track record. Anyone who knows James Hamilton as an actor/writer/director has seen him pull off miracles in theatrical productions and he carries that magic into other aspects of his life. Sometimes.

To some folks, this whole learning to drive/rental car scenario is amusing enough as anecdotes go, but regardless, I was damned proud of James. This was only one example of his dogged determination to ensure their wedding would be as near to perfect as he and Cat could make it.

Cat's efforts mirrored James' as she planned, directed and enabled every detail for the wedding itself and the events leading up to it. From venues to menus, from registering to finding a gown, from helping bridesmaids to finding a Justice of the Peace, Cat had taken on the role of SUPER-BRIDE; ultra-efficient but far calmer and more beautiful than the oft mentioned, over-hyped "Bridezilla". She nimbly caught, juggled then resolved most every facet of the weekend. An example; in their wedding invitations Cat and James even included a separate one for my 60th birthday party, which they graciously hosted immediately after their rehearsal dinner!

While James and Cat needed to be in Canmore by Thursday to finalize a number or items, Sue and I were able to take things a bit slower and our presence wasn't actually needed until early Friday evening.

Once we were settled in and Dave the Dog had been familiarized with his hotel room and outdoor "facilities", we looked up Cat and James. Given the overall frantic nature of the past few days, I was expecting to find them frazzled, befuddled and in dire need of our help. I couldn't have been, as James often said as a tyke, "wronger".


They were all smiles and efficiency. Everything was either in place or very close and they appeared somehow relaxed yet excited, and very, very happy! As the weekend proceeded, their calm, almost whimsical demeanor seemed to place everyone around them in a similar state. When a potential "problem" arose, anyone involved with the wedding seemed to subconsciously slip into an idyllic state and quickly resolve the issue, often under everyone else's radar. Not to overstate, but this wedding was becoming something as close to perfect as any I've ever seen.

The rehearsal dinner provided the opportunity for us to meet Cat's family for the first time, just as it introduced Cat to a number of genetic skeletons from Sue's and my family closets too! We dined with her Mom and Dad and while there's always a bit of trepidation in these circumstances, once again the overall joy exuded by Cat and James erased any trace of awkwardness. The families had all but meshed as one before dessert!

After the festivities, Sue and I returned to the hotel to find towels stuffed under our door, from the outside. Apparently Dave the Dog had been very persistent in vocalizing his objections to being left alone. Within an hour the solution arrived in the form of our friend and neighbor Darlene and, of particular importance to Dave, her little Bichon, Chloe. These two have been best buds since they were puppies. At 12 and 11 years old respectively, they have a mutual calming effect and fortunately, there were no repeat performances for the duration of our stay. Like magic, the absentee barking problem was remedied.

That night as we were falling asleep, Sue realized it was now officially Saturday, our 39th anniversary. We've practiced a tradition for more years than we can remember and despite Darlene's and Chloe's presence in the adjacent bed, we decided to follow it. In a low, hushed tone we began singing the "Happy Anniversary Song" from the Flinstones: "Happy Anniversary, Happy Anniversary, Happy Anniversary, HAPPY Anniversary, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Anniversary" etc. Darlene laughed so hard I thought I may have to lend her one of my "Depends"!

Finally the big day arrived. The wedding service was outdoors, in an area adjacent to Canmore's Nordic Centre, home to Canada's Olympic Cross Country Ski Team. The weather was overcast, but warm and promising. Just before the service began there was slight misty rain in the air but less than two minutes in, it stopped.

The wedding procession remained consistent with the spirit of the entire event; very appropriate yet fun, light and just a little different. The guests were seated then Sue and I, along with Cat's Mom and Dad, proceeded down the aisle. Once we were seated, the groomsmen and the bridesmaids were next and finally, James, Cat and the Justice of the Peace brought up the rear together.

Cat and James had asked for a non-religious ceremony and the JP agreed, on one condition. With a mischievous wink he'd asked if he could keep the service details to himself until the actual ceremony. Incredibly, but not surprisingly, James and Cat agreed! I didn't learn of this until later but regardless, the agreement manifested itself in the sheer delight of the couple as the service progressed. They were absolutely beaming throughout and of course, their reaction was contagious. The JP had them kissing roughly every ninety seconds and by their fifth or sixth kiss, the congregation was in stitches!

I recall taking a few seconds during the service to marvel at the majestic mountains and the peaceful yet gleeful presence of the people around me. I was overtaken by a lightness, an all encompassing joy I'd experienced only once before; at James' birth. Sue and I agreed later, we were both aware of the presence of our departed parents, and their participation felt as natural and real as if they'd been in attendance. The wedding was indeed a wondrous event.

The reception was in the Nordic Centre and it started immediately following the service. Once again Cat's classy, simply perfect signature was as evident as it had been with each step leading to this fantastic culmination. The hall was immaculate with ceiling to floor windows and an inspirational view of the Three Sisters Mountains. As Cat and James entered, their joy was utterly tangible and the overall mixture of fun and wonder continued to fill everyone there. At one point I recall briefly scanning the room to see if I could find even one unsmiling face and not surprisingly, I could not. After all, I was grinning too.

The remainder of the reception was magical, a whirling blend of warmth and whimsy. The evening evolved into a blend of sumptuous food, drink, dancing, conversation, reunion, hilarious speeches and incredible fun. Even their guestbook was extraordinary! Cat and James had everyone fill out a form, including a hand-drawn self portrait and a request for marital advice. The results were entertaining beyond belief! The two families and all the couple's wonderful friends melded perfectly and for those few hours, none of us felt there was a care in the world, and we were right.

In my heart I hoped the evening would never end but of course, it did. Sue, Darlene and I returned to our hotel and after receiving a few friends and imbibing just a teeny bit more, we took the pups for a quick walk/pottie break. We then literally fell into our beds, exhausted.

Before falling to sleep, I recalled an encounter I'd had with a convenience store clerk the day before the wedding. She asked me what had brought us to Canmore. When I responded, "We're here for our son's wedding," she'd beamed and said, "A wedding! Ah yes, the most special of days!"

Who could have possibly foreseen just how true that ladies statement would become?

p.s.

There was one more element absolutely crucial to the success of the aforementioned celebration, particulary as it pertained to the groom. Her spirit, courage and willingness to do anything required utterly demands a future post on this blog dedicated to her alone; the woman, the Goddess, a genuine force of nature, the one, the only ELDA!!! So, who you were expecting? Mother Theresa? Elda did a better job, you'll see!